Revision Techniques

You should work on trying different techniques to create a brand new introduction I would not even look at the introduction you have now see if we can come up with something completely new and then you can copy and paste it into your draft I’m gonna pause now when you’re finished with that click back into the video and we’ll get started with organizing the essay okay here we are again we’ve been through introductions and there’s a short section on conclusions you can take a look at it works because we’ll click on that right now real quick I didn’t plan on doing that but I guess it’s good to go over this is from Mary’s introduction or Mary’s essay that we worked on before and you can see I have some suggestions here on doing an introduction and what works really well here is she’s pulling in from some information from her last paragraph and then what really works is here she refers back to that student 1 and student 2 and it makes a very satisfying read. Find out more about essay revisions at Edusson.

So I guess what you could do I’ll pause again here and you can take a quick look at your conclusion and see are there any changes you can make because there perhaps a way you can refer back to something that you looked at before or it says here or used in your introduction or here suggest a remedy to the problem or this is really good a generalized question answer what does it all mean I’m gonna pause now give you guys a chance to look at your conclusion and then we resume I will go back to organization ok here we are again and now we will get back to organization and we’re going to start with revising thesis and topic sentences here we’re gonna look this was taken from a student’s essay this was their original thesis and topic sentences and give you guys a chance to read through this and then click back right back in and we’ll get started again alright let’s get started I guess with the thesis first there’s some good ideas embedded in the thesis but it seems like a little bit wordy I think they could tighten up some of the wording and make it clearer if we come down here you can see they made the changes.

They went from focus on an individual they mentioned students because that’s of course important for college so they focused again on the students individual growth and I think here they kept some of the wording wide variety of different but look at here they changed this growing as an individual by having students explore different things in a particular field you may want to go into well there are some problems there because it says students and then you and that’s all a bit wordy so look what they did here nice job of just condensing that down into exploring different fields of knowledge nice work there and here and striving for the best here they change that to developing a design just drive for the best.